This next prize that I had the pleasure of meeting will be named "Groper". I am sure you can already picture where this is going. I tried very hard to block this dbag from the depths of my memory but I am still haunted by him. Groper emailed me and we began chatting back and forth. He asked if he could get my number so I replied with my cell number. Not 2.3 seconds after hitting "send" my phone rang. (Maybe this should have been my FIRST clue). Again you have to understand I was still new at this whole online dating thing and thought something HAD to give and we all know that hindsight is 20/20. So we start talking on the phone and the conversation went ok. We decided to meet up the following week. That Saturday night my phone rang at 130 in the morning. It was him saying how he was outside the bar he was at having a cigarette and thinking about me. He proceeded to tell me about a dream he had where we had gotten engaged at his parent's block party (I know what you are thinking now..."Why didnt you run?") and I do not have an answer to that. To back track, basically I started talking to this guy 3 days prior to this conversation and he already had a dream of us being engaged. RED FLAG RED FLAG!! For someone so smart (well sometimes) I can be such a jackass.
The meeting day is now upon us and he asked me to come to his house and we would then go to a bar by his house. I did not want him coming to my neck of the woods so I drove to him (thank God it was only 15 minutes away). I pull up to his house...wait let me rephrase that....his PARENT'S house. Mind you this dude is 35 with an 8 year old son and he drove a mini-van. Yet another red flag? Yes!! So I call him and tell him that I am outside. He comes out of the house and walks up to me, wraps his arms around my waist and buries his head into my neck and says "OMG you smell so good". I guess "Hi nice to meet you" while extending his hand was too tame for him....instead he sniffed me like a grizzly at a campsite. We walk into the house and he leads me up to his bedroom. Now I say "I thought we were going to go to the local watering hole" to which he responds "oh we are I just wanted to show you some pics of my son". Not to sound like a bitch but did I ask to see pics? NOOOO I DID NOT. So to be nice I just said "oh ok great". So now that I am seeing this troll in the light he reminds me of a carnie. I dont know why I am attracting circus creatures! I sit down on the bed and he shows me pics and turns on the tv. He then comes and lays next to me and starts talking and in the middle of speaking he gets up, kneels in front of me, spreads my legs and comes down to my face like a seagull canvassing the Atlantic Ocean. He sticks his tongue in my mouth. I push him off and he said "Why you playing coy you know you want it". I was so appalled that I told him that this night was over and the moron had the nerve to ask if I still wanted to go get a drink. I told him he has a better shot with his hand tonight than with me. I left and he called me to make sure I got home ok and then asked if we could maybe get together again. In all seriousness I asked him "were you dropped on your head at birth?" He replied "I will take that as a no and I still dont understand why you acted like you didnt want it". I told him I would rather have a hot fork in my eye than for him to be on top of me ever again. I hope Groper and his mini van are having a fantastic life.
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You like white wine?
This is a story about "White Zin" (short for White Zinfandel) and as you have probably guessed, the nickname of the next moron who graced my life with his ridiculousness.
White Zin started as all of them do, by messaging me and me responding. Its a game at this point. Who will make it past date one? Who will annoy me enough and not even make it to date one? Who will fool me into thinking he is 5'7" and really be a nugget? You get the picture. So White Zin and I went back and forth over text and on the phone and set a date for dinner the following week. That Saturday he called me in the late afternoon and asked if I would like to meet up quickly for coffee that night. I figured it would probably be a better idea so I could ascertain if he was even worth going to dinner with. I met him for coffee and we were ahead of the game since the pictures and stats on his profile did not lie. We had a great time and I actually was looking forward to dinner the following week and little did I know that this dinner would be a painful experience.
Here is where it gets fun. He picks me up and we are heading to the restaurant. His phone rings and he decides to answer it. Now I have no problem if your phone rings and you answer and say "let me call you back". This guy apparently did not get that memo. He proceeded to talk, well actually scream on the phone. He said it was a co-worker of his. Ok fine finish your conversation and lets go but no he continued cursing and screaming as we parked at the restaurant, as we walked to the restaurant and still while we waited for a table. The whole place turned around to look at him. I was so embarrassed and wanted to get out of there faster than an F-14. We sat down and here is the conversation that took place:
White Zin (asking me): "So you like white wine?"
Me: "Yes, I only drink white wine"
White Zin (to the waiter): "Boss, lemme get two white zinfandels"
Me (not knowing whether to laugh or cry): "You DO know that white zinfandel is NOT white wine right? Just because the word white is in it doesn't make it white wine and you drink white zinfandel???? The last time I drank that I was 15 and it came in a box"
White Zin: "I like it"
(It is funnier when I tell this story in person because I imititate the way he spoke. Try to picture a loud Brooklyn accent with marbles in his mouth)
Okay he apparently did not want to participate in the Wine for Dummies lesson. What I failed to mention is that he had a root canal 2 days before our date and here is where that comes into play. He kept repeating that he could only chew on one side of his mouth. Okay guy thats great thank you for sharing!! Does it look like I give two shits about what side of your mouth you chew with?? I guess telling me that was clearly not enough for him so he opens his mouth at the table to show me the gaping hole where his tooth used to be. At this point I was ready to claim I had food poisoning from the one piece of bread and white zinfandel I downed like water to ease this pain. No wonder this guy was single. Dinner finally arrived and again with the announcement on how its so difficult to eat. At this point I was so annoyed I said "Why did we go out to eat when you cannot even chew? You are sitting here complaining the whole time its getting on my nerves!" He apologized and gave the whole "well i really wanted to see you" yea well you should have done me a favor and not subjected me to this horseshit. Dinner was finally over THANK GOD and we leave. I tell him I need to get home because my friend is going through a crisis and I need to go over to her house (yes that was a lie. The truth was my friends were out having some drinks and I needed an IV of alcohol at this point). He gets on the parkway going in the opposite direction of my house towards the Triboro Bridge. I asked him where we were going and he said he wanted to show me something. Ummmm I know there is a gaping hole in your mouth but apparently there is one in your brain also since I just told you I needed to get back home!! He is now swerving in and out of cars doing 90. I screamed at him "If you want to drive like a fucking jackass and wrap yourself around a tree which by the way you would be doing the world a favor then you do that when you are alone, not when I am in the car". He thought that was funny. Yea not so much White Zin. Well the fuckbag missed the exit. Ask me why we are now getting onto the Triboro Bridge??? He said "Oops I missed the exit guess we are going for a drive". At this point I was ready to jump off the bridge this was just out of control. So we come back around and get back into Queens. He is talking in the car and I am not saying anything. We get to my house and he asks if he could see me again. I told him that I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to him again.......and that my friends was all she wrote.
White Zin started as all of them do, by messaging me and me responding. Its a game at this point. Who will make it past date one? Who will annoy me enough and not even make it to date one? Who will fool me into thinking he is 5'7" and really be a nugget? You get the picture. So White Zin and I went back and forth over text and on the phone and set a date for dinner the following week. That Saturday he called me in the late afternoon and asked if I would like to meet up quickly for coffee that night. I figured it would probably be a better idea so I could ascertain if he was even worth going to dinner with. I met him for coffee and we were ahead of the game since the pictures and stats on his profile did not lie. We had a great time and I actually was looking forward to dinner the following week and little did I know that this dinner would be a painful experience.
Here is where it gets fun. He picks me up and we are heading to the restaurant. His phone rings and he decides to answer it. Now I have no problem if your phone rings and you answer and say "let me call you back". This guy apparently did not get that memo. He proceeded to talk, well actually scream on the phone. He said it was a co-worker of his. Ok fine finish your conversation and lets go but no he continued cursing and screaming as we parked at the restaurant, as we walked to the restaurant and still while we waited for a table. The whole place turned around to look at him. I was so embarrassed and wanted to get out of there faster than an F-14. We sat down and here is the conversation that took place:
White Zin (asking me): "So you like white wine?"
Me: "Yes, I only drink white wine"
White Zin (to the waiter): "Boss, lemme get two white zinfandels"
Me (not knowing whether to laugh or cry): "You DO know that white zinfandel is NOT white wine right? Just because the word white is in it doesn't make it white wine and you drink white zinfandel???? The last time I drank that I was 15 and it came in a box"
White Zin: "I like it"
(It is funnier when I tell this story in person because I imititate the way he spoke. Try to picture a loud Brooklyn accent with marbles in his mouth)
Okay he apparently did not want to participate in the Wine for Dummies lesson. What I failed to mention is that he had a root canal 2 days before our date and here is where that comes into play. He kept repeating that he could only chew on one side of his mouth. Okay guy thats great thank you for sharing!! Does it look like I give two shits about what side of your mouth you chew with?? I guess telling me that was clearly not enough for him so he opens his mouth at the table to show me the gaping hole where his tooth used to be. At this point I was ready to claim I had food poisoning from the one piece of bread and white zinfandel I downed like water to ease this pain. No wonder this guy was single. Dinner finally arrived and again with the announcement on how its so difficult to eat. At this point I was so annoyed I said "Why did we go out to eat when you cannot even chew? You are sitting here complaining the whole time its getting on my nerves!" He apologized and gave the whole "well i really wanted to see you" yea well you should have done me a favor and not subjected me to this horseshit. Dinner was finally over THANK GOD and we leave. I tell him I need to get home because my friend is going through a crisis and I need to go over to her house (yes that was a lie. The truth was my friends were out having some drinks and I needed an IV of alcohol at this point). He gets on the parkway going in the opposite direction of my house towards the Triboro Bridge. I asked him where we were going and he said he wanted to show me something. Ummmm I know there is a gaping hole in your mouth but apparently there is one in your brain also since I just told you I needed to get back home!! He is now swerving in and out of cars doing 90. I screamed at him "If you want to drive like a fucking jackass and wrap yourself around a tree which by the way you would be doing the world a favor then you do that when you are alone, not when I am in the car". He thought that was funny. Yea not so much White Zin. Well the fuckbag missed the exit. Ask me why we are now getting onto the Triboro Bridge??? He said "Oops I missed the exit guess we are going for a drive". At this point I was ready to jump off the bridge this was just out of control. So we come back around and get back into Queens. He is talking in the car and I am not saying anything. We get to my house and he asks if he could see me again. I told him that I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to him again.......and that my friends was all she wrote.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Nothing would make me happier
I met some other guys on Match after Salty but those dates were not exciting in the least or worthy of posting about (partially this is because I cannot remember shit about them...so again not memorable at all). Finally my subscription was up and I was not spending another $70 to be tortured by the trolls that were on there.
I now decide, in my infinite wisdom, to join the website Plenty of Fish. Ok here is where it gets fun. I am going to preface this by saying that POF is FREE. Let me interpret this for you. This means "I AM A DREG OF HUMANITY AND DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MONEY TO PAY FOR A SUBSCRIPTION AND HAVE NO REAL DESIRE OF EVER SETTLING DOWN".
This guy who I shall name "Spooner" sends me a message. The pics he has on his profile are cute. It says he is 5'7" which is great cause I am 5'2" and I love taller men. Yes I know EVERYONE is taller than me but you catch my drift. After staring at his 4 pics I decide he is totally doable and not someone who I would be embarrassed to be around. Now that I am a pro at this online dating thing and to avoid wasting anymore of my precious time, I give him my number. He calls me and we speak for a long time yadda yadda yadda. We decide to go to dinner that week. He said he would come pick me up and we would go to dinner. Awww isn't that so sweet? At this point I was not thinking that I should be taking my own car to get out of there if need be and also why do I want these joe schmoes to know where I live? (by the way this clarity comes later on during my career-yes "career" cause it is like a damn job dating these fools and the dates are like interviews).
Ok here comes date night. Spooner shows up on time which makes me happy because I am more punctual than Big Ben and hate when dudes are late. I walk towards his car and he sees me and gets out and walks around the front of the car to come to the curb. What I see walking before me ladies and gentlemen is a circus carnie. A live carnie right before my eyes. I think back quickly and remember his profile said he was 5'7"!! This dude was 5'3" IF THAT and I am being generous. Thank you to the circus gods that I wore flats. Strike one-you lied on your profile. Now it all makes sense no wonder EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was of him sitting or of him solo as to not be standing in the same picture as a human. He was a nugget! So now he gives me a hug. I am thinking at least he smells good and doesnt smell like cabbage like carnies tend to. He opens the back passenger side door so I of course make a joke about him wanting to get me in the back seat already. Hardy Har Har I needed to laugh at something even if it was at my own joke because really this was insanity. He pulled out a dozen RED roses! Now some of you may be thinking "how sweet and thoughtful". Yea that was NOT what I was thinking. I was thinking "omg red roses on a first date? What happened to just one rose? Red is the color or love why is he giving me red roses?" Yes see this online dating shit has made me crazy.
We drive to a restaurant that he has eaten at and claims is very good. Ok I am game to try it since I have never been there why not? We are chatting and eating and I feel like something is off...besides his height being off 4 inches from what he claimed. I just dont feel the spark at all but again I am not going to be a bitch because he actually is a very nice guy and he did try with the flowers, I guess. So we finish dinner and what I am about to say is the conversation WORD for WORD. Again this is a true story and I cannot make this shit up.
Spooner: "Do you want to order dessert?"
Kim: "No I am full from dinner but thank you"
Spooner: "Are you sure? Come on lets share something"
Kim: "Ok order whatever you want I will have one bite"
(I am checking my phone for missed calls or anyone looking for me so I do not really pay attention to what he orders)
Kim: "What was the dessert you ordered? Sorry my friend texted me she is going through a bad breakup so I have been keeping tabs on her" (YES TOTAL LIE-oh stop judging me)
Spooner: "Chocolate cake with pistachio ice cream"
Kim: "Oh pistachios. I really am not a fan of nuts" (for those of you who know me-shhh I am talking about actual nuts here that you eat-I am NOT a fan).
(Dessert comes and waitress sets down on the table)
Spooner: "Let me take the nuts out for you"
Kim: "No you do not have to do that I dont need to eat the ice cream"
(Spooner takes his spoon and takes ALL OF THE NUTS OUT OF THE ICE CREAM AND PLACED THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE PLATE)-see how appropriate the name is?
Spooner: "You know nothing would make me happier than if I could feed you" (said in a tone where he wanted to sound sexy but it was just impossible)
Kim: "Do you want to play airplane too?" (couldnt help myself he set himself up for that one) "Thank you for the offer but I learned how to use a spoon when I was 3" (not sure if that made me developmentally delayed but I couldnt think of a number other than 3 and it sounded good).
You would think that I just shot his puppy. He looked like someone literally ran his dog over. Needless to say that was the first and last date with him.
I now decide, in my infinite wisdom, to join the website Plenty of Fish. Ok here is where it gets fun. I am going to preface this by saying that POF is FREE. Let me interpret this for you. This means "I AM A DREG OF HUMANITY AND DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MONEY TO PAY FOR A SUBSCRIPTION AND HAVE NO REAL DESIRE OF EVER SETTLING DOWN".
This guy who I shall name "Spooner" sends me a message. The pics he has on his profile are cute. It says he is 5'7" which is great cause I am 5'2" and I love taller men. Yes I know EVERYONE is taller than me but you catch my drift. After staring at his 4 pics I decide he is totally doable and not someone who I would be embarrassed to be around. Now that I am a pro at this online dating thing and to avoid wasting anymore of my precious time, I give him my number. He calls me and we speak for a long time yadda yadda yadda. We decide to go to dinner that week. He said he would come pick me up and we would go to dinner. Awww isn't that so sweet? At this point I was not thinking that I should be taking my own car to get out of there if need be and also why do I want these joe schmoes to know where I live? (by the way this clarity comes later on during my career-yes "career" cause it is like a damn job dating these fools and the dates are like interviews).
Ok here comes date night. Spooner shows up on time which makes me happy because I am more punctual than Big Ben and hate when dudes are late. I walk towards his car and he sees me and gets out and walks around the front of the car to come to the curb. What I see walking before me ladies and gentlemen is a circus carnie. A live carnie right before my eyes. I think back quickly and remember his profile said he was 5'7"!! This dude was 5'3" IF THAT and I am being generous. Thank you to the circus gods that I wore flats. Strike one-you lied on your profile. Now it all makes sense no wonder EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was of him sitting or of him solo as to not be standing in the same picture as a human. He was a nugget! So now he gives me a hug. I am thinking at least he smells good and doesnt smell like cabbage like carnies tend to. He opens the back passenger side door so I of course make a joke about him wanting to get me in the back seat already. Hardy Har Har I needed to laugh at something even if it was at my own joke because really this was insanity. He pulled out a dozen RED roses! Now some of you may be thinking "how sweet and thoughtful". Yea that was NOT what I was thinking. I was thinking "omg red roses on a first date? What happened to just one rose? Red is the color or love why is he giving me red roses?" Yes see this online dating shit has made me crazy.
We drive to a restaurant that he has eaten at and claims is very good. Ok I am game to try it since I have never been there why not? We are chatting and eating and I feel like something is off...besides his height being off 4 inches from what he claimed. I just dont feel the spark at all but again I am not going to be a bitch because he actually is a very nice guy and he did try with the flowers, I guess. So we finish dinner and what I am about to say is the conversation WORD for WORD. Again this is a true story and I cannot make this shit up.
Spooner: "Do you want to order dessert?"
Kim: "No I am full from dinner but thank you"
Spooner: "Are you sure? Come on lets share something"
Kim: "Ok order whatever you want I will have one bite"
(I am checking my phone for missed calls or anyone looking for me so I do not really pay attention to what he orders)
Kim: "What was the dessert you ordered? Sorry my friend texted me she is going through a bad breakup so I have been keeping tabs on her" (YES TOTAL LIE-oh stop judging me)
Spooner: "Chocolate cake with pistachio ice cream"
Kim: "Oh pistachios. I really am not a fan of nuts" (for those of you who know me-shhh I am talking about actual nuts here that you eat-I am NOT a fan).
(Dessert comes and waitress sets down on the table)
Spooner: "Let me take the nuts out for you"
Kim: "No you do not have to do that I dont need to eat the ice cream"
(Spooner takes his spoon and takes ALL OF THE NUTS OUT OF THE ICE CREAM AND PLACED THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE PLATE)-see how appropriate the name is?
Spooner: "You know nothing would make me happier than if I could feed you" (said in a tone where he wanted to sound sexy but it was just impossible)
Kim: "Do you want to play airplane too?" (couldnt help myself he set himself up for that one) "Thank you for the offer but I learned how to use a spoon when I was 3" (not sure if that made me developmentally delayed but I couldnt think of a number other than 3 and it sounded good).
You would think that I just shot his puppy. He looked like someone literally ran his dog over. Needless to say that was the first and last date with him.
The first of many.....
Since I have alot to catch you all up on, I figured why not start from the beginning of this magical journey of dating that has been my life.
I really hope that you enjoy these stories as I could not make them up. These "dates" have managed to drain my gas tank and cell phone minutes while diminishing my liver (because lets be serious some of these dates I needed to drink HEAVILY) and helping my sanity fall to a level on par with that of someone who is banished to a padded room. Here we go....
I was in a long term relationship for almost 5 years and after coming out of that and feeling ready to date, I decided to slap down my credit card (see I told you this was draining-now my finances are dwindling also) and join lovely ole Match.com. So I received a "wink" and became extremely excited that someone took the time to wink at me. What I realized later down the line as a "seasoned dater" was that the dude didnt take time to do anything. He clicked on the wink button and that was it. He didnt sit down, formulate an intelligent thought and write an email to me. Why do that? I mean to have to think and type? The thought is just too horrible.
So a few days after joining and still seeing "0 messages" I felt like an on-line failure. A few hours after feeling sorry for myself, I finally receive an email. Lets call this one "Salty" since he was a bit older than me and had salt and pepper colored hair. I was hesitant but replied to his message and we wrote back and forth for a good portion of the day. We finally exchanged numbers. I wasnt sure if I would be considered an online dating slut since I gave up the digits on the first day. Salty called me and we spoke for over an hour. I could not believe how easy the conversation flowed. We were joking and laughing and I did not want to hang up with him. We spoke every day for weeks and for some reason we never made plans to hang out. We lost touch and months later he randomly texted me and so began the phone conversations and texting all day.
Fast forward to the actual day we met. I drove an hour to see him. Yes you read correctly ONE HOUR. Now I wont go see a dude for the first date if I have to cross a bridge, pay a toll or spend more time in the car than it takes for me to get a mani/pedi. Anyway back to my stupidity. I meet him at a beach in Long Island where he wanted to take me off roading on the beach. I park my car and get into his and we go for coffee first. Now I am not shy in the least but back then I was very shy and was quiet after the initial "hi how are you?" "how was the drive?" etc. We grab coffee and come back to go on the beach. The guard proceeds to tell him that the beach is closed. Great so now what?? I am in bubblefuck Long Island an hour away from my house and have no idea what we can do besides hang out in one of the 17 7-11 parking lots we passed. He suggests we go to a local park and go on the swings. I know what you are thinking "ohh how cute" well it sounds cute but it wasnt. I sat down on the swing and he stood behind me so he could push me. So apparently my jeans dipped low and my fancy shmancy victoria secret underwear were exposed. I dont know if this guy never saw underwear before on a live woman or what but he could not stop talking about it and how sexy they were and how he would love to see me in only them. Calm it down tiger we just met and we are in a park. HELLO THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND!! So I stand up and turn to him and say "I am ready to go back to my car". He takes me back and we make small talk in the car. I am trying to plan my exit strategy in my head without sounding like a total bitch. So I say "I have a long drive ahead of me so I better get going". Hey I wasn't lying it was a long drive. He goes to kiss me and I turned my head. If he got so excited over my underwear imagine my lips touching his?? He would probably hump his steering wheel so no go buddy. He called me while I was driving home and said "you are different in person than you are on the phone it is like you are two completely different people and I like phone Kim not in person Kim". At this point I was so shocked by this stupid statement I said "Oh good because in person Kim isnt a fan of in person Salty either" No people I did not call him "Salty" on the phone I said his name which I cannot remember now anyway...apparently he left a memorable impression.
So basically I spent $50.00 to fill my car up with gas and spent 2 precious hours of my life, which I will never be able to get back, commuting to meet this fuckbag who has the audacity to tell me he likes "phone Kim" better. Here's a thought, take the phone and shove it up your ass.
You think I would learn after this wonderful date that on-line dating was not all it was cracked up to be? Nope I go back for more.........
I really hope that you enjoy these stories as I could not make them up. These "dates" have managed to drain my gas tank and cell phone minutes while diminishing my liver (because lets be serious some of these dates I needed to drink HEAVILY) and helping my sanity fall to a level on par with that of someone who is banished to a padded room. Here we go....
I was in a long term relationship for almost 5 years and after coming out of that and feeling ready to date, I decided to slap down my credit card (see I told you this was draining-now my finances are dwindling also) and join lovely ole Match.com. So I received a "wink" and became extremely excited that someone took the time to wink at me. What I realized later down the line as a "seasoned dater" was that the dude didnt take time to do anything. He clicked on the wink button and that was it. He didnt sit down, formulate an intelligent thought and write an email to me. Why do that? I mean to have to think and type? The thought is just too horrible.
So a few days after joining and still seeing "0 messages" I felt like an on-line failure. A few hours after feeling sorry for myself, I finally receive an email. Lets call this one "Salty" since he was a bit older than me and had salt and pepper colored hair. I was hesitant but replied to his message and we wrote back and forth for a good portion of the day. We finally exchanged numbers. I wasnt sure if I would be considered an online dating slut since I gave up the digits on the first day. Salty called me and we spoke for over an hour. I could not believe how easy the conversation flowed. We were joking and laughing and I did not want to hang up with him. We spoke every day for weeks and for some reason we never made plans to hang out. We lost touch and months later he randomly texted me and so began the phone conversations and texting all day.
Fast forward to the actual day we met. I drove an hour to see him. Yes you read correctly ONE HOUR. Now I wont go see a dude for the first date if I have to cross a bridge, pay a toll or spend more time in the car than it takes for me to get a mani/pedi. Anyway back to my stupidity. I meet him at a beach in Long Island where he wanted to take me off roading on the beach. I park my car and get into his and we go for coffee first. Now I am not shy in the least but back then I was very shy and was quiet after the initial "hi how are you?" "how was the drive?" etc. We grab coffee and come back to go on the beach. The guard proceeds to tell him that the beach is closed. Great so now what?? I am in bubblefuck Long Island an hour away from my house and have no idea what we can do besides hang out in one of the 17 7-11 parking lots we passed. He suggests we go to a local park and go on the swings. I know what you are thinking "ohh how cute" well it sounds cute but it wasnt. I sat down on the swing and he stood behind me so he could push me. So apparently my jeans dipped low and my fancy shmancy victoria secret underwear were exposed. I dont know if this guy never saw underwear before on a live woman or what but he could not stop talking about it and how sexy they were and how he would love to see me in only them. Calm it down tiger we just met and we are in a park. HELLO THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND!! So I stand up and turn to him and say "I am ready to go back to my car". He takes me back and we make small talk in the car. I am trying to plan my exit strategy in my head without sounding like a total bitch. So I say "I have a long drive ahead of me so I better get going". Hey I wasn't lying it was a long drive. He goes to kiss me and I turned my head. If he got so excited over my underwear imagine my lips touching his?? He would probably hump his steering wheel so no go buddy. He called me while I was driving home and said "you are different in person than you are on the phone it is like you are two completely different people and I like phone Kim not in person Kim". At this point I was so shocked by this stupid statement I said "Oh good because in person Kim isnt a fan of in person Salty either" No people I did not call him "Salty" on the phone I said his name which I cannot remember now anyway...apparently he left a memorable impression.
So basically I spent $50.00 to fill my car up with gas and spent 2 precious hours of my life, which I will never be able to get back, commuting to meet this fuckbag who has the audacity to tell me he likes "phone Kim" better. Here's a thought, take the phone and shove it up your ass.
You think I would learn after this wonderful date that on-line dating was not all it was cracked up to be? Nope I go back for more.........
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)