The first of many.....

Since I have alot to catch you all up on, I figured why not start from the beginning of this magical journey of dating that has been my life.

I really hope that you enjoy these stories as I could not make them up. These "dates" have managed to drain my gas tank and cell phone minutes while diminishing my liver (because lets be serious some of these dates I needed to drink HEAVILY) and helping my sanity fall to a level on par with that of someone who is banished to a padded room. Here we go....

I was in a long term relationship for almost 5 years and after coming out of that and feeling ready to date, I decided to slap down my credit card (see I told you this was draining-now my finances are  dwindling also) and join lovely ole Match.com.  So I received a "wink" and became extremely excited that someone took the time to wink at me. What I realized later down the line as a "seasoned dater" was that the dude didnt take time to do anything. He clicked on the wink button and that was it. He didnt sit down, formulate an intelligent thought and write an email to me. Why do that? I mean to have to think and type? The thought is just too horrible.

So a few days after joining and still seeing "0 messages" I felt like an on-line failure.  A few hours after feeling sorry for myself, I finally receive an email. Lets call this one "Salty" since he was a bit older than me and had salt and pepper colored hair.  I was hesitant but replied to his message and we wrote  back and forth for a good portion of the day.  We finally exchanged numbers. I wasnt sure if I would be considered an online dating slut since I gave up the digits on the first day. Salty called me and we spoke for over an hour. I could not believe how easy the conversation flowed. We were joking and laughing and I did not want to hang up with him. We spoke every day for weeks and for some reason we never made plans to hang out.  We lost touch and months later he randomly texted me and so began the phone conversations and texting all day. 

Fast forward to the actual day we met.  I drove an hour to see him. Yes you read correctly ONE HOUR. Now I wont go see a dude for the first date if I have to cross a bridge, pay a toll or spend more time in the car than it takes for me to get a mani/pedi. Anyway back to my stupidity.  I meet him at a beach in Long Island where he wanted to take me off roading on the beach.  I park my car and get into his and we go for coffee first.  Now I am not shy in the least but back then I was very shy and was quiet after the initial "hi how are you?" "how was the drive?" etc. We grab coffee and come back to go on the beach.  The guard proceeds to tell him that the beach is closed. Great so now what?? I am in bubblefuck Long Island an hour away from my house and have no idea what we can do besides hang out in one of the 17 7-11 parking lots we passed. He suggests we go to a local park and go on the swings. I know what you are thinking "ohh how cute" well it sounds cute but it wasnt. I sat down on the swing and he stood behind me so he could push me.  So apparently my jeans dipped low and my fancy shmancy victoria secret underwear were exposed. I dont know if this guy never saw underwear before on a live woman or what but he could not stop talking about it and how sexy they were and how he would love to see me in only them.  Calm it down tiger we just met and we are in a park. HELLO THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND!! So I stand up and turn to him and say "I am ready to go back to my car". He takes me back and we make small talk in the car. I am trying to plan my exit strategy in my head without sounding like a total bitch. So I say "I have a long drive ahead of me so I better get going". Hey I wasn't lying it was a long drive. He goes to kiss me and I turned my head. If he got so excited over my underwear imagine my lips touching his?? He would probably hump his steering wheel so no go buddy. He called me while I was driving home and said "you are different in person than you are on the phone it is like you are two completely different people and I like phone Kim not in person Kim". At this point I was so shocked by this stupid statement I said "Oh good because in person Kim isnt a fan of in person Salty either" No people I did not call him "Salty" on the phone I said his name which I cannot remember now anyway...apparently he left a memorable impression. 

So basically I spent $50.00 to fill my car up with gas and spent 2 precious hours of my life, which I will never be able to get back, commuting to meet this fuckbag who has the audacity to tell me he likes "phone Kim" better.  Here's a thought, take the phone and shove it up your ass.

You think I would learn after this wonderful date that on-line dating was not all it was cracked up to be? Nope I go back for more.........