Nothing would make me happier

I met some other guys on Match after Salty but those dates were not exciting in the least or worthy of posting about (partially this is because I cannot remember shit about them...so again not memorable at all). Finally my subscription was up and I was not spending another $70 to be tortured by the trolls that were on there.

I now decide, in my infinite wisdom, to join the website Plenty of Fish. Ok here is where it gets fun. I am going to preface this by saying that POF is FREE. Let me interpret this for you. This means "I AM A DREG OF HUMANITY AND DO NOT WANT TO SPEND MONEY TO PAY FOR A SUBSCRIPTION AND HAVE NO REAL DESIRE OF EVER SETTLING DOWN".  

This guy who I shall name "Spooner" sends me a message.  The pics he has on his profile are cute. It says he is 5'7" which is great cause I am 5'2" and I love taller men. Yes I know EVERYONE is taller than me but you catch my drift.  After staring at his 4 pics I decide he is totally doable and not someone who I would be embarrassed to be around. Now that I am a pro at this online dating thing and to avoid wasting anymore of my precious time, I give him my number. He calls me and we speak for a long time yadda yadda yadda.  We decide to go to dinner that week. He said he would come pick me up and we would go to dinner. Awww isn't that so sweet? At this point I was not thinking that I should be taking my own car to get out of there if need be and also why do I want these joe schmoes to know where I live? (by the way this clarity comes later on during my career-yes "career" cause it is like a damn job dating these fools and the dates are like interviews).

Ok here comes date night.  Spooner shows up on time which makes me happy because I am more punctual than Big Ben and hate when dudes are late. I walk towards his car and he sees me and gets out and walks around the front of the car to come to the curb. What I see walking before me ladies and gentlemen is a circus carnie. A live carnie right before my eyes. I think back quickly and remember his profile said he was 5'7"!! This dude was 5'3" IF THAT and I am being generous. Thank you to the circus gods that I wore flats.  Strike one-you lied on your profile. Now it all makes sense no wonder EVERY SINGLE PICTURE was of him sitting or of him solo as to not be standing in the same picture as a human. He was a nugget!  So now he gives me a hug. I am thinking at least he smells good and doesnt smell like cabbage like carnies tend to.  He opens the back passenger side door so I of course make a joke about him wanting to get me in the back seat already. Hardy Har Har I needed to laugh at something even if it was at my own joke because really this was insanity.  He pulled out a dozen RED roses! Now some of you may be thinking "how sweet and thoughtful". Yea that was NOT what I was thinking. I was thinking "omg red roses on a first date? What happened to just one rose? Red is the color or love why is he giving me red roses?" Yes see this online dating shit has made me crazy.

We drive to a restaurant that he has eaten at and claims is very good.  Ok I am game to try it since I have never been there why not? We are chatting and eating and I feel like something is off...besides his height being off 4 inches from what he claimed. I just dont feel the spark at all but again I am not going to be a bitch because he actually is a very nice guy and he did try with the flowers, I guess. So we finish dinner and what I am about to say is the conversation WORD for WORD. Again this is a true story and I cannot make this shit up.

Spooner: "Do you want to order dessert?"
Kim: "No I am full from dinner but thank you"
Spooner: "Are you sure? Come on lets share something"
Kim: "Ok order whatever you want I will have one bite"
(I am checking my phone for missed calls or anyone looking for me so I do not really pay attention to what he orders)
Kim: "What was the dessert you ordered? Sorry my friend texted me she is going through a bad breakup so I have been keeping tabs on her" (YES TOTAL LIE-oh stop judging me)
Spooner: "Chocolate cake with pistachio ice cream"
Kim: "Oh pistachios. I really am not a fan of nuts" (for those of you who know me-shhh I am talking about actual nuts here that you eat-I am NOT a fan).
(Dessert comes and waitress sets down on the table)
Spooner: "Let me take the nuts out for you"
Kim: "No you do not have to do that I dont need to eat the ice cream"
(Spooner takes his spoon and takes ALL OF THE NUTS OUT OF THE ICE CREAM AND PLACED THEM ON THE SIDE OF THE PLATE)-see how appropriate the name is?
Spooner: "You know nothing would make me happier than if I could feed you" (said in a tone where he wanted to sound sexy but it was just impossible)
Kim: "Do you want to play airplane too?" (couldnt help myself he set himself up for that one) "Thank you for the offer but I learned how to use a spoon when I was 3" (not sure if that made me developmentally delayed but I couldnt think of a number other than 3 and it sounded good).

You would think that I just shot his puppy. He looked like someone literally ran his dog over.  Needless to say that was the first and last date with him.