You like white wine?

This is a story about "White Zin" (short for White Zinfandel) and as you have probably guessed, the nickname of the next moron who graced my life with his ridiculousness.

White Zin started as all of them do, by messaging me and me responding. Its a game at this point. Who will make it past date one? Who will annoy me enough and not even make it to date one? Who will fool me into thinking he is 5'7" and really be a nugget? You get the picture.  So White Zin and I went back and forth over text and on the phone and set a date for dinner the following week.  That Saturday he called me in the late afternoon and asked if I would like to meet up quickly for coffee that night. I figured it would probably be a better idea so I could ascertain if he was even worth going to dinner with.  I met him for coffee and we were ahead of the game since the pictures and stats on his profile did not lie. We had a great time and I actually was looking forward to dinner the following week and little did I know that this dinner would be a painful experience.

Here is where it gets fun. He picks me up and we are heading to the restaurant. His phone rings and he decides to answer it. Now I have no problem if your phone rings and you answer and say "let me call you back". This guy apparently did not get that memo. He proceeded to talk, well actually scream on the phone. He said it was a co-worker of his. Ok fine finish your conversation and lets go but no he continued cursing and screaming as we parked at the restaurant, as we walked to the restaurant and still while we waited for a table.  The whole place turned around to look at him. I was so embarrassed and wanted to get out of there faster than an F-14. We sat down and here is the conversation that took place:
White Zin (asking me): "So you like white wine?"
Me: "Yes, I only drink white wine"
White Zin (to the waiter): "Boss, lemme get two white zinfandels"
Me (not knowing whether to laugh or cry): "You DO know that white zinfandel is NOT white wine right? Just because the word white is in it doesn't make it white wine and you drink white zinfandel???? The last time I drank that I was 15 and it came in a box"
White Zin: "I like it"
(It is funnier when I tell this story in person because I imititate the way he spoke. Try to picture a loud Brooklyn accent with marbles in his mouth)

Okay he apparently did not want to participate in the Wine for Dummies lesson.  What I failed to mention is that he had a root canal 2 days before our date and here is where that comes into play.  He kept repeating that he could only chew on one side of his mouth.  Okay guy thats great thank you for sharing!! Does it look like I give two shits about what side of your mouth you chew with?? I guess telling me that was clearly not enough for him so he opens his mouth at the table to show me the gaping hole where his tooth used to be. At this point I was ready to claim I had food poisoning from the one piece of bread and white zinfandel I downed like water to ease this pain. No wonder this guy was single.  Dinner finally arrived and again with the announcement on how its so difficult to eat. At this point I was so annoyed I said "Why did we go out to eat when you cannot even chew? You are sitting here complaining the whole time its getting on my nerves!" He apologized and gave the whole "well i really wanted to see you" yea well you should have done me a favor and not subjected me to this horseshit.  Dinner was finally over THANK GOD and we leave. I tell him I need to get home because my friend is going through a crisis and I need to go over to her house (yes that was a lie. The truth was my friends were out having some drinks and I needed an IV of alcohol at this point).  He gets on the parkway going in the opposite direction of my house towards the Triboro Bridge. I asked him where we were going and he said he wanted to show me something. Ummmm I know there is a gaping hole in your mouth but apparently there is one in your brain also since I just told you I needed to get back home!! He is now swerving in and out of cars doing 90. I screamed at him "If you want to drive like a fucking jackass and wrap yourself around a tree which by the way you would be doing the world a favor then you do that when you are alone, not when I am in the car".  He thought that was funny. Yea not so much White Zin. Well the fuckbag missed the exit. Ask me why we are now getting onto the Triboro Bridge??? He said "Oops I missed the exit guess we are going for a drive".  At this point I was ready to jump off the bridge this was just out of control. So we come back around and get back into Queens. He is talking in the car and I am not saying anything. We get to my house and he asks if he could see me again. I told him that I would rather have a root canal than be subjected to him again.......and that my friends was all she wrote.